Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
What would we get if we'd cross one nigger and octopus? I have no idea, but it picks cotton like crazy.
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.