Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.
Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.
I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have.
Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?
The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so."
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.
I speak Swedish with an Ikea accent.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.