People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Wife renewed me for another season.
Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.
I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have.
Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?
The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so."
This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.
If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.