Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
You seem like the kind of person who always tried to open the wrong side of the milk carton in grade school.
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
What would we get if we'd cross one nigger and octopus? I have no idea, but it picks cotton like crazy.
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!