The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?
Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
Her cooking is so bad, it would make medicine sick!
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.
I've snagged so many catfish on dating sites, I'm now a licensed fisherman.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.