The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'... unless you say them together.
If at first you don't succeed: try management.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Wife renewed me for another season.
Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.