A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?
Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
Her cooking is so bad, it would make medicine sick!
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!