Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.
If the music's too loud you're too old.
Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
How is education going to make me smarter?
Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'... unless you say them together.
If at first you don't succeed: try management.
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.
I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!