What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"
HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!
Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.
I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?
Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.