Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus
You are not even beneath my contempt.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt.
If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.
I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"
HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!
Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.