An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women...
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
Born free, taxed to death.
I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.
I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.
Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.
FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.
I found out about you from my last nightmare.
You're so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
You look like the grinch with plastic surgery gone wrong!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die.
Why do blacks wear white gloves? So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.
Cannibals like to meat people.
How long does it take a black lady to shit? About 9 months.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?