Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...
To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.
I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
I didn't know angels could fly so low.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!
What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.
I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Salary is like a period you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.