Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.
You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
You're more special than relativity.
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.
I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
I didn't know angels could fly so low.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!
What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?