Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
"Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.
My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle.
One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Do you need space? Join NASA!
My "it's cold outside" post just went viral on Facebook.
Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too.
A pedigree bulldog missing. Founders rest in peace.'
I start every conversation with my employees by saying, "I shouldn't be telling you this" just so I know they will listen.