At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die.
Why do blacks wear white gloves? So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man I hate those people.
"Were any famous men born on your birthday?" "No, only little babies."
Sleep is my drug....my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!
Whiteboards are remarkable.
Let's convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?
If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.
Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do5 Abandon4 Lie3 Cheat2 Abuse1 Forget to start the dishwasher
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a "unicorn"
I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but...
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.