Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Love is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
*Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It's called Nacho Mama.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.
What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
An iron rule of a leader make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.