I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Love is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
*Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!
A warning shot into the head.
A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It's called Nacho Mama.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.