Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
Even paranoids have enemies.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.