I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn't have to type words anymore.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
Even paranoids have enemies.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it