When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.
Q: What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? A: Out dated farming equipment.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.
Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.