Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit.
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
If you jingle my bells ill promise you a white Christmas.