You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
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What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman marry three times.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.