Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
I didn't know angels could fly so low.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!
What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.
I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Salary is like a period you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
Suicide: Mans way of telling God - "You can't fire me, I quit".
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.