There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.
Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!