Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I became a vegetarian switched to weed.
How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.