I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
Everyone my age is older than me...
What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Karma is like 69. You get what you give.
I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.