I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
Only an ass can be divided in half.
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
I became a vegetarian switched to weed.
How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.