What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.
Salary is like a period you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.
The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.