Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman marry three times.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.
Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Only an ass can be divided in half.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
I feel like Tampax at a good place, but wrong time...
How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.
I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
What do you call a black with no arms? Trustworthy.