Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Only an ass can be divided in half.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
I feel like Tampax at a good place, but wrong time...
How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.
I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
What do you call a black with no arms? Trustworthy.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I thought you'd be flattered that my dog found your leg so attractive.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.