Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company...
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts!
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
She's so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up!
If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?
Coldplay is like depression you can hear.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!
We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
What's six inches long that women love? Folding money.
Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"