If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.
If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, "Everyone just eats it."
Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man? The Book of Job.
Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!
Don't worry honey, they call it my dual-channel RAM.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!
Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
"Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!