Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
"Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.