They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to.
Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
I'm not racist, my shadow is black.
What does NAACP stand for? National Association of Apes Called People.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Do you know if pigs have periods?' Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14?'
A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily...