The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
Muy Picante: What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.
Do you know if pigs have periods?' Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14?'
A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily...
I hate when someone wants to have sex with me for superficial reasons before they even know how funny.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child I wanted a dog.
Im not saying I'm number one, uh sorry I lied I'm number one two three four and five.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.