Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.
Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!
I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!
Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.