I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.
Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.