My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!
Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.