You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.
Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.
Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!
I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?
I've snagged so many catfish on dating sites, I'm now a licensed fisherman.
Her cooking is so bad, it would make medicine sick!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.
Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.