The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.
You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Never trust a man that says, "Trust me." and never trust a woman that says "It's fine."
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.
What's your amplitude for charm-strange mixing?
Dont stop! I dont usually get to see beauty in motion
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough."
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
I childproofed the house... but they still get in!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.