Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving.
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.