When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
I drink to forget that I accidentally once said "I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on Facebook you better bring it.
My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.
What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
And on the sixth day, God created man first so that he could enjoy a few minutes on Earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman.
When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
Why don't you remove those barriers to imports? It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun.
We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".
Lets role play I'll be Osama, You be a cave, and I'll hide up inside you
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!