How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?
I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.
I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.
If you were a triangle youd be acute one.
My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.
What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.
You and Me = Grand Unification
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.
My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
You are not even beneath my contempt.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.