How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
You're more special than relativity.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction.
Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.
Do you need space? Join NASA!
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.
How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Baby you're so cute you made my page 404.
Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt.
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Suicide: Mans way of telling God - "You can't fire me, I quit".