Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.
There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.
What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!