A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday
Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
Doggies just call it style.
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.