Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."
He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
A warning shot into the head.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
I'm selling a parachute just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names...
You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third... but I touched second.
There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.