I went to school without my shoes today. I got shoe-spended for a week.
How do you start a black parade? Roll a 40 down the street.
Screw the nice list, I've got you on my "nice and naughty list!
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
What pants do ghosts wear? BOO jeans.
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Change your Facebook Status to "I'm Pregnant" or "I'm Engaged" and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Q: What's that thing called when you're only attracted to married men and gay men?A: Oh. Single. It's called single.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
I always wanted to be just like my mother. Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my throat when I'm told the price of anything.
Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
To the question What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
You don't sweat much for a fat chick.