Mattel has a campaign urging girls to pursue their limitless potential. It's called You Can Be Anything Except A Woman With Barbie's Body.
I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.
Virginity is curable.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
The best curve on a girl is her smile... Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."
Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I childproofed the house... but they still get in!