Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Only an ass can be divided in half.
There's a reason it's called "girls gone wild" and not "women gone wild". When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
I feel like Tampax at a good place, but wrong time...
How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.
I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
What do you call a black with no arms? Trustworthy.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is I don't have such a principle.
HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!
Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.