If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
What's six inches long that women love? Folding money.
Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
I became a vegetarian switched to weed.
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.