I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.
When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!
There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.
Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.
You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.