Do you need space? Join NASA!
Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.
You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
You're more special than relativity.
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
I didn't know angels could fly so low.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!
What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.
I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.