Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash.
I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol.
Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
Q: What do you call a bench full of white people?A: The MLB.
Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry...
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you cunt."
I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
Boy: Have u ever been fishing before Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.
The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.
Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"