A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.
Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.
He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said "What is wrong with it?" "It's swollen."
I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?
Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.
The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.
We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us.
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning... gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.