We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".
So many boys, such little minds.
The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
Why don't you remove those barriers to imports? It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down.
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.
What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on Facebook you better bring it.
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.
It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.
And on the sixth day, God created man first so that he could enjoy a few minutes on Earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman.
I drink to forget that I accidentally once said "I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.