That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!
I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel? He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller.
I want to do to your body what Mitt Romney does to poor people.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Never trust a man that says, "Trust me." and never trust a woman that says "It's fine."
Is your name country crock, cause you can spread for me anytime.
Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
Why the chicken cross the road? To look for his cock.
You haven't texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok?
In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.
Do fish get thirsty?
How do you start a black parade? Roll a 40 down the street.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.