If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Strangers have the best candy.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.