If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.
I never loved you any more than I do, right this second. And I'll never love you any less than I do, right this second.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.
I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
Most guys walk up and stick it in... I stick it in then walk up...
Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.
My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football. What a bunch of idiots. I'm gay because I like cock.