As best man it is my job to tell you about the groom, and all the embarrassing things that have happened to him in the 28 years leading up to what was the happiest day of his life until i started this speech.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I... can't see.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.
What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?
Evening news is where they begin with Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My brain is not equipped with facial or name recognition technology.
We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.