Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.