Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.
Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him.
If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
Why is there cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.