I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so i'll know it's a match
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns.
The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.
People who make you feel special are keepers. Anyone with such good taste has to be admired.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. ...Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.