If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive.
What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them...
It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
What do you call a black man in a tree? A branch manager.
In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.
Her love makes my world go round.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor.
What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!
What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!
Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly? They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.