What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass.
What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.
Is that a Higgs boson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
You better hope you marry rich.
Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.
If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.
Trust but verify.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you out?
Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.
If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
At school he used to enjoy streaking. On it's own, not a particularly interesting fact, until you consider he was at an ALL BOYS boarding school.
You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits.
Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.
Leading up to the wedding (NAME) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days already.