I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number.
It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.
Sorry, my dog ate your text message.
I tried to get back to the drawing board but I can't draw.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?