The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.
Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
I'm as bored as a slut on her period.
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.
Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.
Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.
You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.
I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.
Fishermen are reel men.